Minimalist blog intro today. Booger. Kardashian. Sheen. Favre. Penis. Boobs. Possum. LiLo. Fraggle Rock. Arthur. Blueballs. Kringle. Fart. Thank you.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
... if you get caught between the joke and New York City ...
Former Big Brother winner Adam Jasinski was sentenced to four years in prison this week. Jasinki is expected to quickly learn that there is no H.O.H. (Head Of Household) protection from being the B.O.W. (Bitch Of The Week).
President Obama said his goal is “putting the economy in overdrive. Unfortunately, since the economy is American made, driving it anything over sixty-five MPH and it starts to smoke and shimmy badly.
Airplane manufacturer Boeing is cutting 900 jobs. Delta Airlines immediately instituted a $25 per passenger “Boeing Cut Jobs” fee.
Good news: The International Monetary Fund offered Poland a new credit line worth about $30 billion. Bad news: The contract strictly stipulates that only $3 billion may be used for light bulb replacement.
Violence erupted in Albania as protesters battled police in what the Prime Minister called a Tunisia-style uprising. This marks the first time in history that the phrase “Tunisia-style” has ever been used.
Bad news: Cuba has suspended mail service to the U.S. Good news: Since it involves mail delivery, it will be weeks or even months before anyone notices.
The Catholic Church will pay $1 million to a man who was abused by a priest who later hired a hit man to try and kill him. Michael Jackson paid $10 million to settle still-unproven abuse charges. Today’s lesson: If you have the choice, get banged by a celebrity.
The only U.S. company making a drug used in lethal injections has decided to stop. Seriously, is there something wrong with just using Draino on these scumbags?
A study says smartphones have fostered “dumb” habit in New York City pedestrians, such as texting while walking and not paying attention to traffic signs. New Yorkers used to stab each other, so I’d say this is an improvement. Hooray iPhone!
Keith Olbermann abruptly left his nightly talk show on MSNBC. His loyal viewers are distraught, and will all meet a single local coffee shop for a retrospective.
Governor Jerry Brown declared a state of fiscal emergency for California. Brown later recanted his declaration, saying he’d “mellowed on it for a few hours, and everything is groovy.”
Two Russians went spacewalking outside the International Space Station this week. It would have been fine if they’d left a note saying when they were going to be back, but they didn’t so their mother and I were worried SICK the whole time. We’re not mad at them, we’re just disappointed.
Good news: Apple says the app store has reached 10 Billion downloads. Bad news: When you remove apps that make fart noises or show boobs from that count, it drops to 838,000.
For the second time in a week, pirates have suffered heavy losses on the high seas. This has made front page news across the world except in Pittsburgh, where people are used to seeing the Pirates lose constantly.
A new study claims that eating a big breakfast doesn’t lower your daily caloric intake. In other shocking health news, four martini lunches don’t lower your blood-alcohol level.
The cruise ship that caught fire in November is headed to San Francisco for further repairs. That makes sense, where else would you go to have someone work on your tailpipe?
The Enquirer has alleged that Todd Palin is having an affair with a “massage therapist” in Alaska. Of course, the Enquirer also claims that Nancy Pelosi is pregnant by Bigfoot, so let’s not jump to any conclusions.
Sixty lawmakers back a plan to change the way Congress is seated when in session, making the seating chart more bipartisan. You know, because things are currently going so great Congress has nothing better to do.
A prehistoric fossil of a Pterosaur mother with an egg has revealed the dinosaurs’ female form for the first time. The most shocking discoveries are that they had one hell of a nice rack, and apparently favored the Brazilian.
Breaking news: Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum has been revealed as the latest victim of Navin R Johnson’s “Opti-Grab.”